“Machete cuts like a knife, but it feels so right!” (feel free to put that quote on top of the DVD, Rodriguez).

Danny Trejo is about the most unlikely leading man in movie history, but I’m glad we live in a world where a film like Machete can be made with him starring in it. It’s a perfect exploitation movie that has ‘70s sensibilities, but fits perfectly into our time without being nostalgic. Robert Rodriguez put enough crashes, exploisions, boobs, babes, blood, and badassery in Machete to fill up 5 movies.

Lindsay Lohan is surprisingly funny as she stretches her acting range playing a young drug addict who we’re introduced to getting yanked puking out of a crack house by her dad into a limousine. She ends up naked through the remainder of her scenes, until she finally finds something warm to wear, a nun costume. I have to admit, Lohan dressed in a nun outfit blowing away rednecks is a thing of beauty.

Jessica Alba is pretty fun, too, as a conflicted Immigration officer who soon falls for Machete’s charms, and amazingly gives us a wonderfully teasing nude shower scene that’s the just a camera’s shake away from showing it all.

I hadn’t been too much of a fan of Michelle Rodriguez, but she shines well in this film as a revolutionary shit-stirrer who helps folks come in to the country and be productive, by running a taco stand by day, and stocking up an arsenal for her network to use when the time is right. There’s a moment when she walks out of an ambulance in slow motion in the film’s finale that is just super awesome sexy bad girl bliss.

Don Johnson, Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey, and Robert DeNiro all contribute fantastically to the film. Johnson is an especially unexpected treat as a scummy vigilante border guard.

But it’s Danny Trejo’s movie. And he has an inexplicable charisma that just simply works. He’s scary, violent, and cool…but he’s also tender and funny at the same time. He impales a guy’s face with his blade through a closed front door and makes you gasp. He fights a  bodyguard with a weed eater and makes you laugh. And delivers lines like “Machete Don’t Text” with a blend of humor and seriousness that nobody else can.

In Robert Rodriguez’s hands, the film is a insane blender of violent exploitation and humor that totally works. It addresses immigration issues with an almost satirical approach that never feels preachy. When you’ve got death scenes featuring low rider cars bouncing on top of armed rednecks, how seriously can you take it? The entire film is directed like an R rated Bugs Bunny cartoon.

As the credits roll up, we’re promised “Machete will return in ‘Machete Kills’ and ‘Machete Kills Again!” Let’s hope Robert Rodriguez follows through on that promise!

Machete has retroCRUSH’s highest endorsement. Go see it. Everything is perfect about this movie!